Bless you dear friends and thank you for taking your time to pass by. I appreciate and value your love and support. Have a beautiful day!
The weekly poem or prayer is offered to stimulate thought and to uplift and remind you of the sacredness of life. If you have a poem or favourite prayer you wish to share with our community, I’d be pleased to feature it in future posts. Simply send it to me. Thank you.
As mentioned in my recent post sometimes I struggle to sit and meditate as the pain inside is too deep.
Today’s poem, “where is god?” reflects what happens when I allow myself to breathe, meditate and connect with this pain.
Following my cousin Sherry’s death (December, 1995) and then my brother’s in July 1997 life was hard and it was a sad time for me and my family. Writing was my release and many of the poems I share today were birthed during my sadness. It is through the grace of God, love and life that I am here today, sharing my story. “where is god?” is taken from my soon to be released book of grief poems-Returning Home to the healing waters of my Soul- as a symbol of hope and inspiration to others grieving.
where is god?
c. Ntathu Allen
This pain is too much. Too much for me to bear. I can’t go on. I don’t want to. I want to die. Oh yes. That sounds soooo good. Yeah. Just close my eyes curl up my body real tight and drift away. Away to a place where I don’t feel nothing. I ache. My chest is tight. I am gasping for breath. Bending down, picking toys up from the kitchen floor feels like someone is screwing a lighted poker through the knots etched in my back. I can’t go on. I am falling apart. Slowly, secretly slipping away. I just want to lie down and float away to a place where I can’t be found, questions asked, expectations to meet. I am so skinny. There is nothing to me. Just skin and bone. Good. I am half way there. I can’t go on. Can’t cover up the mistakes, the late court reports, the burnt dinner, pots and plates piled high in the kitchen sink, clothes over spilling from the linen basket, mountains of tissues by my bedside. I just don’t care no more. Had enough of this life. Of living. Of existing this illusion. Happily married-mother-of-three-successful-career and all that. It is just too much. And there’s gaping hole. A void. A vacuum of emptiness filled with ice engulfing my heart. Brutalising my being. Annihilating my memory of times gone by. I am a statue, frozen solid in and out. Pungent gases blocked inside. I am gonna give up on life. No point in carrying on. God is gone. Brother’s gone, parents away, husband wrapped up in his own misery, children too much for me. Where is god? Where is he? Why has he left me in this 2 up 2 down god-forsaken property?
*****
If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one, I hope you find comfort and calm in your sorrow. It is easy and if you have experience of grief and care to share your journey, I’d love you to write your thoughts in the comment box below. If you are a new reader, welcome. Remember to come back and visit again, or better still, subscribe to my email list and receive posts as soon as they are posted.
Thank you
Stay blessed and know the power of love transcends all sorrows.
image-with thanks Feggy Art via flickrr.com
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