Author and Founder of Yoga Inspires Ntathu Allen shares her latest blog My Top Ten Fears And Struggle To Find Inner Peace
Hugs and blessings dear friends and welcome to today’s post, My Top Ten Fears And Struggle To Find Inner Peace. It is a reflective journal blog entry which I hope you find useful in understanding how easy it is for our fears to block our goodness and the steps you can take to overcome your fears.
I will be honest with you, it took me a while to write and share this post as I feel quite vulnerable in sharing “my fears” However, my growing sense of service, self-love and wanting to share with you the different ways yoga and meditation helps you care for and love yourself more, is stronger than my fears. So here I am, raw, exposed and open.
My Tuesday October 15th 2013, Morning Experience
On Tuesday, October 15th 2013 I woke feeling a failure and frustrated at the lack of progress I feel I’m making. In two months time I will be 51. As I lay in bed I recalled the excitement and anticipation of being 50 flow through my body and remembered the blog post I wrote to celebrate the Good News 4 Weeks to go to My 50th and Here’s My Birthday Wish
However, on this particular Tuesday morning I was not joyful. I felt fearful, puzzled and anxious. It feels like time is running and there are certain dreams and aspirations I wish to achieve and no matter how much I pray, practice yoga and meditate, I feel like I’m struggling and they are out of my reach.
As I lay in bed and tuned into my fears I felt like I was sinking in quick sand and couldn’t find a way out.
Now, in the cool light of day, sharing my experience with you, I feel great, yet on Tuesday 15th October, as I laid in my bed mulling over past events I felt inadequate, worthless, broken, disillusioned and scared. And the longer I stayed replaying the movies in my head, the more panicky, anxious and desperate I felt. At one point I recall feeling like I was boxed in a long dark tunnel with nowhere to go, arms strapped to my side and a sensation of being sucked down a whirlpool of quick sand.
What made this worse was I knew the longer I stayed locked in this frame of mind replaying ALL the dramas of my life, especially at 5.30am in the morning, was definitely not a positive way to start my day!
As you know, your “Waking Thoughts” are powerful and gives you a clear insight into any undercurrents running your life. Judging by my waking thoughts, I obviously had a lot on my mind!
Everything Is Taking Too Long
Do you ever feel like you are busy working yet your dreams and aspirations are taking “forever” to manifest? I know I do. Yet I also know, pushing and struggling and grasping to reach my destination is counter-productive.
On that particular Tuesday morning, instead of Rule Britannia rules the waves, I felt like the sinking Titanic struggling to stay afloat the cracking ice. Especially as I know, through my yoga philosophical teachings of the Yoga Sutras, grasping and trying to control matters (Aparigraha) is not good for the soul. Yet at that moment in time, lying in bed, I struggled to find contentment and joy in the present moment (samtosha).
Not a great way to start the day!
To shift this energy and regain my power and positive sense of self , I knew I had to meditate as I knew it would give me a clearer insight into what exactly was going on. Can you identify with that?
Meditation To The Rescue…
As you know, a regular meditation practice helps to alleviate negative thoughts and brings a sense of clarity to any situation. You can read how I got into meditation here. If you have a regular meditation practice I am sure you can vouch for the effectiveness of meditation to help you clear and calm your mind and reduce tension in your life.
I dragged myself from my bed, and sat down to meditate. As I sat in silence, I became aware of all the fears, negative thoughts and feelings I hold about myself.
If you meditate, you’ll know how easy it is for the mind to jump around and many times during that particular practice, I felt my mind wandering all over the place and at one point I recall thinking “am I such a failure I can’t even meditate” (the gremlins were having a field day!)
Coming out of my practice, I realised the more I surrender and consciously practice Self-Love, the more “gunk” comes up demanding my attention and Tuesday 15th October was certainly one of those days.
My AHA!! Moment –Fear not love was running my life and keeping me stuck.
I have to admit, I felt so crappy during the practice I gave up, stopped meditating and wrote in my journal. For me, journaling, especially after meditating, helps me go deeper into my psyche and gain clarity into what is going on. Jackee Holder, author of “49 Ways To Write Yourself Well” will be giving a FREE TALK to share a series of writing approaches and practices that will cultivate mindfulness in our work as coaches both on and off the page. I am looking forward to the talk as Jackee Holder was one of my very first Spiritual Teachers. And many, many moons ago with Jackee’s encouragement and quiet insight I gained courage to pick up the pen. If you are reading this, thank you Jackee.
Basically all that ‘crappy-enlightening stuff’ boiled down to my basic fear of not feeling good enough, lack of self-love and on some level a vibe of feeling broken was whispering through my being. Sorry for swearing but all I could initially think of was “what the *!^% is going on. I am doing my daily practice, I’m eating better than I have done for years, I am even going to bed before 11.00pm, so why am I feeling so crappy and being stuck. What is wrong with me? (As I said earlier, the gremlins were having a field day!)
On a personal note, when I got the “Aha” moment, I felt good and from experience it meant another layer of Maya has been dissolved. YES!!!
What Are My Fears?
“Your playing small does not serve the world”
– Marrianne Williamson
As I sat a bit longer journaling, my mind ran on Marianne Williamson’s poem, “Our Deepest Fear” and in that precise moment I fully understood the power of our thoughts and how important it is for us to stand up and shine our light. And living in a state of fear, lack of self-love and appreciation limits your power and stops you shining bright “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”….it was such a powerful awakening for me, I’m glad I woke feeling so crappy and took the time to meditate and have the courage to share my fears and subsequent light and power with you. Thank you.
Here Are My Top 10 Fears
Ten days Later…
I can now look at these fears and think “wow…all of that stuff is going on inside, I’m suprised I even get up in the morning; no wonder it feels like I’m struggling!” In a way, acknowledging my fears, sitting with them in meditation, writing them out in my journal and sharing them with you, diminishes their “power” over me. In fact I feel quite liberated and happy, and in sharing my “Fear Moment” with you, I am shining my light, following my path and being my best, and that doesn’t feel so scary to do anymore!
Closing Few Words
As we come to the end of today’s blog post, I thank you for being in my life, supporting me with your prayers and buying my products and services. In the next blog post, I’ll share with you a simple guided meditation and affirmations you can practice anytime you feel fearful and the gremlins come out to play as you struggle to find inner peace.
I trust you’ll find something useful in this blog to help you with your meditation practice and would welcome your comments and insights? How useful do you think it is for us to spend time looking at our “fears”?
And if you would like more details about meditation, you can download for FREE the chapter on meditation (Panic to Peace, The power of Meditation To Clear Your Mind For Good Decision Making) from my inspirational eBook , “A Woman’s Book of Yoga, A Guide To Relax And Nourish Your Body And Soul” and check out my other ebooks.
And to bring today’s post to a close, thank you for taking your time to pause and share in my journey and may you and all those dear to your heart have a peaceful, productive and positive day.
Namaste hugs and thank you.
Image: Freedigitalimages.net samarttwi
PS. If you are ready to read the whole book “A Woman’s Book of Yoga, A Guide To Relax and Nourish Your Body and Soul” click here and you will also get a Bonus – FREE 80 page copy of the Yoga Cook – Delicious Veggie Food Made Easy by Edna Thompson.
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