The other day, a dear friend sent me a text and said “Ntathu, I don’t understand you. You are like a Mystery Woman”. I smiled when I read her text. Yes, at times I don’t understand myself, so yeah..I don’t blame my friend for not understanding me!! “Who Am I?” is a question I often ask myself.
For many years I struggled to be “perfect”, to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, fun loyal sister and close companion to friends, family and colleagues. As you can imagine this was an impossible situation.
And in 1995, after the death of my dear cousin, Sherry, my world fell apart. Sherry’s death reminded me of the baby I miscarried, many years ago yet never grieved or “thought about”. Until now…
Through my grief and sadness I rediscovered yoga.
Breathing. Strectching. Sitting quietly. Became my lovers. I craved silence. I craved to be held, yet turned away all offers of support and help. Life was bleak; yet my sense of duty and constant reminders of everyday life from my children (at that time, my eldest daughter was 4 and her twin sisters aged 2) led me to crawl out of the shadows and seek “help”. “Help” came in the form of another death, this time, my elder brother, John, aged 36. 18 months after losing Sherry. I sank lower. Wore a mask and covered the cracks in my marriage with a smile. My smile became my trade mark.
Like the mysterious Mona Lisa smile friends would wonder what was going on. Family and friends would meet up and whisper “what’s wrong with Sharon, as I was then known”…” is she alright” I would turn on the smile and say “Yes I am fine..how are you? How’s work?
Fast forward to the 21st century…to the year 2003. India. Sivananda Ashram in Kerela. Me. Learning how to be a Yoga Teacher. Waking up at 4am to sit in silence. Early morning yoga and meditation classes, chanting, karma yoga, laughing and regaining my zest, enthusiasm for living. Bliss. 6 weeks solitude with other yoga students, seeking their path. London seem far away.
Returning home to my family…to the wide-open arms of my children and cries of “mum we missed you”… I made a vow. I vowed to find a way to combine my desire to be there for my children, to find a way to leave my stressful job as a Probation Officer and to teach yoga. Yeah. I would become a Full Time Yoga Teacher. Travel the world and share my inspirations. I would find a way to feed my family, pay bills and spread the joys and blessings of inner peace, quiet, wholeness, calm and intuitive wisdom to others. I would become self employed and live a “balanced yogi life”…
As you can imagine, three energetic teenage daughters, elderly parents and now the struggle of a divorce and trying to grow a business – life is overfull, stressful, exhausting and worrying. At times I question the validity and logic of my earlier dream to “be there for my children and live a balanced yogi life”.. Is that possible, when there are bills to pay, school shoes to buy, school fees to pay and housework to be done? Is it possible to live in peace, at one with all humanity, when in the throes of divorce and separation? Is it possible to live my dream, to be Alice in Wonderland and have tea with the Queen of Hearts and still be home in time to make the promised apple crumble and favourite lasagna dish? To catch up with friends and new found social network friends and validate their time and energy in living their dream? Is this possible?
Yes. It is possible. It is possible for me to live my dream.
I am living proof that it is possible for you to overcome obstacles and live your dream. I am a Yoga Teacher. I teach yoga. My daughters’ friends think it so cool that “your mum is a yoga teacher”…Through the grace of God, and lots of support from family and friends I am also an author and writer.
I have yet to travel the world. But through my blog and stories of my life I am able to offer hope, comfort, support and inspiration to others. If I can do it. So can you. We can travel this road hand-in-hand sharing our ups and downs, loving and laughing as we grow.
And that, in a nutshell, that is what I strive for now. To continue this journey. To continue to find that balance, to find a way to be there for my children, to laugh and spend time with my parents, to feel useful, on purpose and share what I know to inspire you to heal, love and grow.
Thank You for taking the time to read My Story. I welcome your comments and look forward to being of service and connecting with you.
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